Fay, Fay Go Away and a From The Heart Freebie :-)

I thought that lightening up a little was in order for today’s "from the heart" Wednesday. Things are looking up a little; the stomach flu has passed (no pun intended), all of the relatives seem to be healthy, and the sun is shining :-)). As you are probably aware, we just took a pounding from tropical storm Fay here in the sunshine state. So grab a cup of coffee and take a few minutes out to laugh with me.

There is something that motivates people (non Florida residents) in times like these to bombard my email box with Florida humor. These have been passed around for years (I know this because I have received them following every storm for several years). Humor never grows old, and I still enjoy reading them; and YES... laughing at the reality of most of them. On the flip side, I will still be laughing in December when I can use my grill and do so while wearing shorts :-).

I am a native Floridian and have always felt that Florida is overrated. Not that I do not love my home state..it is home and I have no plans of leaving. However, there are things that you NEVER get used to. The humidity would top my list of Florida misery. 82 and sunny sounds like a wonderful day, but combine it with 80% humidity and it isn't so great. Our humidity runs high more times not throughout the summer season due to the frequency of storms.

Summer thunderstorms. Tourist love to visit our beaches in the summer and as a native I can assure you that you are wasting your hard earned vacation dollars. If you visit in the summer you can almost count the afternoon out for beach time because that water you love, well it has to come from somewhere and it is normally dropped in huge buckets shaped like thunderheads. The ladle in the bucket; oh well that comes in many shapes but if you can visualize the standard lightning bolt then you will know what it looks like. Combing the beach during these times can prove hazardous to your health. (Not to mention you stick out like a sore thumb and might as well have TOURIST stamped on your face).

If you can get past the summer storms and still wish to visit during the summer season, be certain to pack not only the sunscreen; but the insect repellent. That humidity I mentioned? Mosquitoes thrive in it; hungry ones! Tons of flowers in our beautiful state are home to zillions of bees and wasps and they STING! Of course we cannot overlook the fire ants; aptly named because they will bite the fire out of you. Last but certainly not least; that nuisance that we call the "love bug".

So named because they are attached to a mate more times than not and though their lifespan is a short one, they reproduce at alarming rates. It is stated that damage to your vehicle paint job begins in as little as a few hours if they are not removed. I am probably estimating on a low side here when I tell you that you can count on an average of 500 bug splats per outing in love bug season :-). Catch them on a good day and removal could take several hours. They will not wash off, but scrubbing is necessary for each little splat!

To talk about life in Florida and not mention alligators, tropical storms and full hurricanes would probably be anti-Floridian. I have been trying to convince Deb S. to come and visit next year but she has a fear of alligators. Laughingly I have assured her that they don't run rampant in the streets. Uhoh.. gulp..okay so there have been warnings throughout our most recent tropical storm of alligators and moccasins in the streets; so I ask her only to consider visiting in the short window that is not hurricane season.

As for the hurricanes and tropical storms I am adding all of the Florida humor lines that I have received over the years. Feel free to add any that you may have by responding in a post. I cannot give credit to the authors as all have been received in email form, but I think they may be true Floridians..LOL. I have added my own comments in ( ) to the ends of some. I hope that they will give you a good laugh and make you count your blessings. There isn't a place on earth without some negatives and we just adjust and deal with whatever our areas pitfall happens to be. Tornadoes, hurricanes, alligators, humidity and bugs..still at the end of the day; there's no place like home :-)

You might be a Floridian.....
-You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.(I keep mine in the freezer, they last longer)-
-The freezer in your garage is full of homemade ice.
-You flinch when you are introduced to a person named Charley, Frances, Ivan,Jeanne, Andrew or Fay.
-You find yourself dropping words like "millibar" and "convection" into everyday conversation.(Doesn't everyone?)
-Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti Os.(and tuna fish, sardines, vienna sausage and potted meat)
-Making coffee on your propane grill does not seem like an odd thing to do.(It can be mastered)
-When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe place.
-You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot. (We can even name their family pets)
-The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
-You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
-You have the number for FEMA on your speed dialer.
-You own more than three large coolers.(Well one large and three medium)
-You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
-Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
-You catch a 5-pound catfish. In your driveway.(We won't eat tuna fish tonight!)
-You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
-At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chain saw.
-You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.(Been there, done that)
-There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
-You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.
-Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
-Ice is a valid topic of conversation. (Had never appreciated the value of those little cubes before we got pounded with 4 storms in a row)
-Relocating to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea
-Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time
-You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color
-You think of your hall /saferoom as "cozy"
-Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"
-You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months (One of those silver linings :-)
-You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
-You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means
-You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood
-You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw.
-Your parrot can now say "hammered, pounded and hunker down"
-You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations (This one is laughable; these things are always sold out if a storm is coming in)
-You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street (Oh YEAH)
-You're depressed when they don't stop (OH YEAH)
-You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
-You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags
-You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw
-You know what "Bar chain oil" is
-You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas
-You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable (A month with no electricity can quickly convince you that a generator at ANY price is reasonable)
-You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"( My preference would be blocked)
-Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"(My therapist is a Floridian, he suffers from it as well)
-You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric (This is NOT realistic; we are Floridians we do not own winter coats and wool caps!)
-And finally, you might be a Floridian if:You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds! (NEVER)
-"Down South" means Key West."
-Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.
-You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.(They shouldn't)
-And no-one should be allowed to drive under 70 miles an hour.(They shouldn't)
-Flip-flops are everyday wear.
-Shoes are for business meetings and church.No, wait, flip flops are good for church too.
-Socks are only for bowling.
-Orange juice from concentrate makes you vomit.
-Tap water makes you vomit.
-Sweet tea can be served at any meal. (Darned right it can)
-An alligator once walked through your neighborhood. (Through my yard to be exact)
-You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip to Florida.
-You measure distance in minutes.
-And no matter where you want to go, it's half an hour away.(So true, this is WHY we drive at 70 and above)
-You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
-You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.(Don't they realize that seagulls fly overhead and that food has to go SOMEWHERE..HELLO?)
-You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes anyway.
-All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
-A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
-A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade. (Try leather seats in 95 degree heat in a vehicle parked in the sun when you are clothed in shorts and you will understand this one)
-Your winter coat is made of denim.
-You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.(Yes I can)
-You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
-You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.(LOL, this is TRUE folks)
-It's not "pop." It's "soda" or "coke."Anything under 70 is chilly.(I hibernate at 60 and lower)
-You've hosted a hurricane party.(Nope, but I have attended a few)
-You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
-You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.(That is because they are over 70, driving below 70 and more times than not; they are the snowbird we LOATHE)
-You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
-You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee, Okahumpka and Loxahatchee
-You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.(YES, my Dad has always said that the two best days of being a boat owner are as follows: the day you purchase it, and the day you unload it on someone else)
-You've driven through Yeehaw Junction. (Hasn't everyone?)
-Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include various fish, the NRA and a confederate flag.(As well as support our troops and proud to be an American)
-You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools. (They do?)
-You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
-You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.(Almost every year)
-You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's important!
-You could swim before you could read.
-You have to drive north to get to The South.
-You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
-Every other house had blue roofs in 2004-2005(For those of you that didn't get this one, it is in reference to our 4 storm hit; many houses were covered with blue tarps due to roof damage)
-You’ve gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark.(Aren't we lucky??)
-You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
-You dread love bug season. (Oh do we ever)
-You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley, Frances, Ivan, and Jean.
-You know what a snowbird is and you hate them.(Snowbird defined: Northerners that visit on a yearly basis that will NOT obey any of the speed limit signs. They tend to drive and sightsee during rush hour. Our biggest complaint is their rudeness, negativity and better than you attitudes. They COMPLAIN about EVERYTHING and we hear "up home we do it like ___. Snowbird by no means refers to all tourists, just the visitors that fall into the above definitions and YES, we hate them.)
-You know why flamingos are pink.(No cheating on this one..give me an opinion here by responding back to this post :-))
-You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average. (They are)
-You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.


30 Things Floridians have learned from storms

-An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up. (MUCH bigger!)
-Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Colonel Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.
-When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.
-Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink, and tastes just as bad.
-AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need.
-The four way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.
-Radio can be the best way to watch television.
-Chainsaw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.
-SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.
-You can use your washing machine as a cooler.
-It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.
-We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator
-You can't spell "priceless" without I-C-E.
-Downed power lines make excellent security systems.
-Lake Eola can generate waves.
-Gasoline is a value at ANY price
-Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.
-The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE
-The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.
-Candlelight is better than botox--- it takes years off your appearance.
-Air Conditioning: BEST INVENTION EVER. (AMEN!!)
-Water is a comfort food. But 3 day old Cheetos are too.
-Shadow animals on the wall---Still fun.
-No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive. (Telemarketers use smoke signals during these times)
-You should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of co workers or neighbors who do not.
-There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.
-Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.
-The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator
-Somebody's got it worse.
-Somebody's got it better.
-Obviously, they are getting preferential treatment.

Top 10 Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
And... the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

Or this three-step hurricane preparedness plan: Step 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. Step 2. Put these supplies into your car. Step 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

This finally concludes today’s "from the heart" Wednesday..thanks to all of my twisted, humorous friends that have provided me with so much of my material. When you are all freezing in a few months and you receive my email Christmas card of a December beach outing..don't hate me; say "I asked for this" ..LOL. To my readers here on the blog, thank you for visiting, have a great day and enjoy the freebies :-)

I'm outta here-
Deb Adams



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